Without fail, this has been the scene in my house the past three days at 7am: Me, bleary-eyed, getting ready for work. Kid #2 announces he wants to brush his teeth. Kid #1 immediately decides she also needs to brush her teeth at the exact same time that Kid #2 is brushing. They are both short. The sink is tall. There is one stool between the two of them. Reader, what is the end result of this equation? Did you say, “Get another stool so that they can each use one!” If you did, that tells me you have never spent an extended period of time with two un-self-regulated, brain-still-in-the-works human beings.
This is the end result: Throwing ‘bows, screaming, intensely tortured sobbing. A two-person mosh pit on the stool, with all the aggression, but none of the music and none of the fun. Uncaffeinated me brushing my teeth with one hand, the other hand palming the top of Kid #1’s head like a basketball to hold her off beating the [beep] out of Kid #2. Kid #1 is about double the size of Kid #2, and she uses that to her advantage if left unbidden. The sound in my house is that of 100 mourners keening and wailing at a funeral. Or of two people having their fingernails slowly being pulled off. Maybe three, if you include me.
Every fiber, bone, cell in my being wanted to rage, yell, get in their faces and scare them into being quiet. Because that would get the chaos to stop. When you grow up in a household where control, force, and fear were used to get things done, your brain and body are wired for it.
But I know the consequences of being scared into compliance. A part of you begins to believe you’re bad. That no matter what you do or how you grow, you aren’t worthy of love, gentleness, and kindness. My biggest parenting fear is that one day, my kids will carry this same belief, and it will be because of me.
There are many times I’ve yelled and gotten scary. In the moment, it feels like relief and release, but those feelings never longer than a minute. The feeling that ends up haunting you is guilt. Fear. So, so much shame. “Am I repeating the same mistakes on them that were made on me?” Then it replays, over and over in your mind: That scene where you were the person they wouldn’t go to when they were crying - because you were the one that made them cry. And this feeds right into the part of you that thinks you’re bad/failing/inadequate/terrified/[fill in your blank].
You didn’t think I would leave you here on such a grim note, though, did you? No, never! There is so much hope in the world for those who want to heal.
This morning, I didn’t rage, yell, or get scary. I picked Kid #1 up and told her, “I won’t let you hurt Kid #2. I know you’re having a hard time not hurting Kid #2 and I won’t let you. If you can’t control yourself, I will bring you to your room.” I did and said all this fairly calmly, given that I’d woken up just 10 minutes earlier. I am not wired to respond this way and it took every ounce of will I had to do it. It felt exhausting in the moment, like I was holding desperately onto a rope that was being pulled just out of my grasp. In the end though, I held onto Kid #1, husband took Kid #2 out of the bathroom, and the entire house exhaled a sigh of relief.
In the quiet that followed, I thought, “I need someone to tell me I did a good job just now.” Being a parent means that you are constantly thinking of the things you’re doing wrong and the ways you’re screwing it all up. The times that you’re doing it right tend to get downplayed or go unnoticed.
But here’s why it’s important to notice: I want to make sure I don’t pass this belief of being bad on to my kids. This starts with me knowing that I’m trying my best and recognizing the times I get it right. So, I gave myself a pat on the back for getting it right this time. I will always work on getting it right and being good enough for them. It will never be enough and I will always try. This act is my lifelong love letter to them.
Today, no matter if you’re having a good or bad day, pat yourself on the back. Parenting is hard and you deserve a pat on the back. Recognize yourself for your wins - they are important and need to be noticed. Hug yourself when you are struggling - you are worthy of love, kindness, and gentleness on those days, too.